Self image and weight loss

Last week, I got my annual survey from the National Weight Control Registry. As a brief recap, the National Weight Control Registry is a national database of thousands of people who have lost a significant amount of weight and maintained that weight loss for at least a year (more about it here).

It was an enlightening process to answer these questions and be reminded of exactly why I’ve regained weight after maintaining successfully for the first couple of years. My answers to questions about how often I track, how often I weigh in and how often I eat “sometimes” food show that I’ve slipped from prior consistency with good, healthy habits. When I forced myself to honestly answer these questions, I had to confront the reality that I’m responsible for these extra 30 pounds, not some mysterious outside force. It was a wake up call for sure.

Other than checking in with my weight and my habits, this survey included several questions about self image. It was interesting to answer these now and realize how much stronger my sense of self is now than it was before I lost weight. Importantly, even though I’m not pleased with my weight regain, it hasn’t shaken my self-image as much as being obese did before I lost weight.

My weight doesn’t affect how I feel in terms of competence, attractiveness, anxiety or value now as much as it did before. If I’m honest, even when I’d first reached my goal weight, I still felt a lot like my sense of self was tied to my weight. It turns out a HUGE success of maintenance is that I’ve managed to disconnect my sense of value from the number on the scale. I feel really good about that. It’s been a gradual, but steady change, and I’m so grateful for it. I need to do some thinking about exactly how that happened, so that I can be sure to reinforce those thought processes.

My favorite question? This one:

You know why I loved this? My immediate mental response: I rock. Anyone would be LUCKY to have me. My husband agrees.

Do you let your weight affect your sense of self-worth? How do you shift that?

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Being brave in Montana

One of my favorite “side effects” of this newer healthier lifestyle is how much braver I get in other aspects of my life, little by little. Like many people, I thought when I lost weight, I’d no longer feel so hesitant or self conscious. It didn’t really magically happen with the weight loss, it turns out. It’s taken a lot more internal work than just the external work of weight loss. Every time I consciously take that step outside of my comfort zone, it’s a little farther and that’s definitely worthy of celebration (plus, it’s a good excuse to share some more Montana pics so you can travel vicariously through me!)

In addition to the hiking I showed you guys pics of on Tuesday, I’ve also been out on the water here for kayaking (which was WAY harder than I expected!).

My “brave” moment during this was trying stand up paddleboarding, which was way easier and more fun than I expected! Sorry no pics – I was focusing on not falling in and didn’t want my phone to get wet, but trust me it was gorgeous. I have always had this fear of being the “fat girl falling” so trying the stand up paddleboarding felt scary, to say the least since that would have been a big splash of a fall, literally.

Yesterday, I did the grown up zipline with much longer and faster runs.

I wasn’t remotely prepared for the “brave” that this one required – a public weigh in before we started to be sure you weren’t too heavy (too heavy = too fast). Yikes! I confess, if I’d known about that before, I might have avoided this excursion and that’s a sad thing to admit to myself.

That background doesn’t even look real, does it?

Like my fierce focus as I try to catch the brake?

Today’s brave? River rafting for the first time. I didn’t really pack the best clothes for this, so I’m currently in this scientific session wearing sort of revealing tights (because there isn’t much time between the end of the session and the rafting excursion). You don’t want to know how many times I’ve told myself that no one is looking at and judging my butt in these tights. 🙂

The students here with me are disappointed that so far we’ve only seen chipmunks and not anything more exciting. Personally, I’ve used my limits of bravery with these new adventures in activity, clothes and public weigh ins. I’m good without a bear or a moose. 🙂

What’s the bravest thing you’ve done today? Any last minute river rafting advice?

Birthday Gifts to Myself

My birthday is coming up soon and while my birthday list on Amazon includes some things for my upcoming marathon training (starts 8/1!), I’m also working on a list of things to gift myself this year. As I get nearer and nearer 40, I’m realizing that the less tangible things mean as much or more than the things that come in those lovely gift boxes.

– I’m going to give myself the gift of letting go of some of the pressure in my life. I don’t need to be “nationally recognized” for my job, no matter what others may say. That is not the only measure of success, even if it feels like it in my job sometimes. I just want to do my job the best I can. If that comes with bigger opportunities, I’ll swallow my introverted nerves and tackle it, but I don’t have to let others push me along just for the sake of advancement.

– I’m going to give myself the forgiveness I need for regaining weight. I was terrified when I first started Weight Watchers, listening to all of those people who’d lost significant amounts of weight only to regain it all and swearing that wouldn’t be me. All the while, my rational mind knew that they probably thought the same when they were in my shoes. I didn’t fail in regaining 20 pounds. This is part of it. I’m still trying and that’s victory. I find myself feeling that sense of shame and failure far too often in the last few months, which is unfair and a binge trigger, so I need to forgive myself and move on. It isn’t failure – it’s been a chance to learn new things and grow.

This chick may be slower and fluffier than she’d like to be, but she’s still pretty great most days. 🙂

– I’m going to give myself permission to be a slow runner. Guess what: I’ll probably never get faster. I’ll certainly never be “fast” but I’m out there having fun and that’s good enough.

– I’m going to give myself the gift of accepting compliments. Compliments make so many of us uncomfortable and yet we do both ourselves and the giver of the compliment a disservice when we reject them. I’m accepting my compliments as the gifts they are (well, I’ll start practicing it anyway).

If you could give yourself a birthday gift, what would it be?

Book Club: It was me all along

This month’s selection for Wendy’s Taking the Long Way Home Book Club isn’t really a running book at all, but is definitely something I was interested in: It was me all along: A memoir by Andie Mitchell. Thanks as always to Wendy for hosting! Be sure to check out her link up for more thoughts on the book from others.

Andie Mitchell is a food blogger who wrote this memoir last year about her struggles with weight and with her body image even after her weight loss was “finished.” I will confess that this book was painful for me to read, both because she was clearly in a lot of pain during the times she describes and because I could identify so strongly with her descriptions of what it was like to be overweight, as they so strongly echoed my own experience. I will be honest, it was hard to relive those feelings, so be warned about that before going into this book.

Andie was overweight and made aware of being so from a very early age. If you haven’t experienced that, it can be hard to describe how much that imprints on your brain and how that can lead to binge eating. The descriptions of binge eating were almost unbearable to read because they were so true, for me at least. The wanting to be normal, but not being able to, somehow feeds that whole cycle of binge eating. “It was this dichotomy that killed me. The wanting to be different in order to be perceived as better, yet wishing I didn’t have to try so hard.”

“I wished I could find some hideaway, somewhere I could be as reclusive as I pleased and just eat. And eat. And cry. And eat. And cry.” THIS. My life. Pretty much every day for years.

She describes being in classes and being unable to “bring myself to raise my hand, fearing the attention it would draw,” which was very much my experience in college when I tipped the scale from chubby kid to obese young adult. I definitely had the same reaction to running late to class, in which ““…if I found myself running late to the lecture hall, even by just five minutes, I was compelled to skip the class altogether, knowing that few things were as anxiety inducing as trying to squeeze through tight rows of fellow students to find the lone open seat.” It seems unreal or an exaggeration, but I can promise you that those things were true for me as well.

The temptation to resign yourself to being the fat girl is so real and so painful. Looking back, it seems like it was easier before I started caring about fixing this problem but I know logically it was a different kind of hard. Like me, Andie did find a way to handle the binge eating and lose weight, but she found herself swinging too far to the other side of the eating disorder spectrum in an effort to stay in control, after being out of control for so long. The swing to the other direction, of obsessive control and fear of food, is a very real possibility and something I’ve veered a bit into myself in the first year I was at my goal weight. I’m still trying to find that happy medium. It can be very easy to trade one eating disorder for another, as Andy did.

The closing thoughts on the things she’ll miss were things I could have written, if I’m being honest. There are definitely still times I miss eating with abandon. I miss the days when my first response to a change in my food plan wasn’t fear, as it still can be (although that’s getting better). I miss that delicious, over the top food, even though I know it would cause me such a stomach ache I’d think I was dying now. I miss not having to think about all of this.

I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever re-read this. I lived too much of it myself and reading it was hard. However, I’m glad stories like this are out there so that you can know you aren’t alone. There are people out there who get what you’re going through, as you move from overweight to weight loss to whatever this “after” period is supposed to look like. It’s always a good thing to have stories out there to show us we aren’t alone in the human experience. I hope that Andie has continued to find her way with a peaceful relationship with herself and with food.

Do you find it hard to read stories that are too close to your own?

Friday Favorites: An early start to Halloween festivities!

This weekend, we’re getting an early start on Halloween activities with trick or treating at both the local grocery store and at the zoo. I’ll be sure to share some pics of our costumes if Oliver succeeds in costuming Darrell and I too. 🙂 He currently wants me to dress as a princess and Darrell as a construction worker, but we’ll see how successful he is in that endeavor.

A small funny to start us off: Earlier this week Darrell was trimming an overgrown bush and sawed through the extension cord! He was okay but he tripped a ground switch in the house and we got lots of “steps” in for our workout for the day running around trying to find it to get the power back on! – Also, we’ve now added a new extension cord to his Christmas list!

I’ve got a collection of things that gave me the warm-fuzzies to share this week. First up, read Melanie’s race report on Another Mother Runner. I’m a fairly stoic person and this had me tearing up. She was training for the New York City Marathon when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Rather than abandoning the run all together, she and her community put together a marathon in her hometown as a celebration of her training before she starts treatment and I was so awed by her dedication and the support of her amazing community. People can do such wonderful things in such amazing circumstances.

A much lighter note of doing wonderful things despite the circumstances, check out Emmie’s post on making super cute lemons out of lemonade in terms of outfit choices. Rather than being depressed by the woeful lack of size options in some stores, she made great use of a too-snug dress from the new Target Adam Lippes line. As someone who always struggled to feel like I looked pretty and put together when I was plus size, I so admire Emmie for being a constant voice of “yes you can” in fashion.

I’m not saying I’m smarter than my beloved husband, per se, but some might think that since I’m the more educated of the two of us. I don’t know if you guys have seen the posts this week about men not actually being attracted to smart women, but I loved this response on the benefits of being married to a woman smarter than you. I hope Darrell saw this and agrees for the most part. 🙂

You guys know I’m always interested in reading about and working on improving my body image and this week, I read a couple of interesting things that you should check out. First up is an interesting post about how we can get trapped by comparing ourselves not just to external barometers like the yoga instructor or the supermodel, but to our past bodies or even the future “aspirational” clothes we have for our ideal future bodies. This author writes about throwing away the old clothes in her closet and notes that she “was also throwing away a barometer for “success” that no longer served me and frankly, never did.” I’ll be honest with you guys – that has me wanting to go home and toss everything in my closet that is just a little snug “but maybe I’ll get there.” She closes with the question “How can I do my best with what I’ve been given?” which has given me a lot to think about in terms of approaching my life in general and my relationship with my body.

I also really liked the Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls post about How to Combat Negative Body Image both because it presents concrete instructions for doing so, just like in a How To for anything else, and also because of the audience this is intended to serve: young people. I love the idea of proactively working on this when we’re young and these horrible thoughts about our bodies and ourselves first rear their ugly little heads.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! I hope you have glorious, non-rainy fall weather. We have a zoo Halloween party and a costumed 5K and kids race on our schedule this weekend, so I’m sure I’ll have lots of cuteness to share with you Monday. 🙂

Speaking of cuteness, since this is a picture light post I’ll also share this pic of my guy hard at work in math class. 🙂

 

Weight Loss Wednesday: Reasons NOT to give up

When I first started losing weight, I made a list of reasons to lose weight that I kept on my phone and looked at frequently when I got tempted, so that I could remember WHY I was saying no to the doughnut. This list included things like getting off blood pressure medication and fitting into tall boots. It was hugely helpful during that first year of serious weight loss.

Woo hoo for fall and tall boots!

As I transitioned into weight maintenance, I made another list, because I recognized that maintenance was a whole different ball game. That list is certainly still all true, but my perspective continues to evolve the longer I’m in “maintenance” (or really, regaining and relosing the same 15 pounds over and over). Truthfully, maintenance is harder for me than losing weight was. The farther I go in the process, the more I realize that it is really is never going to be “done.” This is really about never giving up, not about my clothes size or the number on the scale (179 today).

Some days, I’ll be honest, it is depressing to realize that this is probably always going to be somewhere in my mind. Yes, it gets better and every day I get better at learning balance in terms of my relationship with food and with my body, but it will likely always be somewhere on my back burner mentally. Truthfully, that’s not a bad thing because I’ll probably always be a binge eater, I’ll always have diabetes and hypertension risks thanks to my personal and family history and I’ll always remember how easy it is to gain 100 pounds. It’s scary easy and it didn’t take me long back when I gained this weight in college. The important thing is that I never give up – never give up on myself, on my striving for a healthy relationship with food and on my commitment to my health.

With all that said, it’s time for a new list. I love lists, don’t you?

• Those little eyes are going to be watching even closer as Oliver gets older and smarter. The questions he asks now are already amazing and interesting for me to answer, like why do I have to take medicine every day. We try to teach him to take care of his body without going overboard and projecting our own issues onto him, which is surprisingly difficult some days! It’s worth it, though. Right now I have a kiddo who talks about how important it is to exercise to keep our muscles strong and why we eat certain foods (there’s nothing like a 4 year old who talks about fiber!). No matter how hard it is some days to keep making the best choices I can, seeing that little face watching me and learning from me reminds how important I am as a role model right now.

We walked from the doctors office to dinner – a mile! – and he talked the whole time about how important it was that we get exercise. 🙂

• I’m hopefully done with high blood pressure and diabetes (knock on wood), but now I have lupus in the picture. Yes, I got angry that I still got sick with something after all the work I did to improve my health, but I know that continuing to eat well and exercise will help keep me on the “annoying” end of the lupus spectrum (as my oh-so-tactful rheumatologist phrased it). A healthy diet and regular exercise are good for my lupus and every other aspect of my health, not just for cosmetic reasons and I need to embrace that as the norm, not some restriction I’m placing on myself.
• I’ve got 30+ years of bad habits to reframe, from my thoughts on food to my view of my body. Even though I lost 100 pounds, I’m not done yet. The hardest work is still ahead of me, as I learn to see food as something other than my salvation or my enemy and my body as something other than loose skin and cellulite. I always work best with a goal ahead of me and even though I’m the only one who can see my progress on this one, it’s the most important one yet.
• Why would I give up? I’d be giving on myself and I’m worth more than that.

I’m realizing more and more these days that soon, I’ll be the only one who remembers where I was before all of this. I meet students all the time who have no idea what I used to look like or how much my lifestyle has changed. I meet parents and teachers at school who don’t know and even the people who do know will forget over time, as all memories fade. I won’t forget, not all of it, and that’s okay because I need to remember enough to keep trying every day.

What’s on your list of reasons not to give up today?

Friday Favorites: Anniversary weekend!

I don’t know if you guys remember, but last year I sort of completely forgot my 5 year wedding anniversary.

Lovely anniversary gifts, including wood for 5 years. And of course earrings – I always get a selection of new dangly earrings from Target. 🙂

Even walking out that morning to see flowers, cards and a gift on a table didn’t clue me in to the fact I’d completely forgotten. This year, that is NOT going to happen! I made reservations at the nicest steakhouse in town and booked a slot in the locked room-escape game Darrell likes, plus picking up a gift. Darrell isn’t big into gifts, so it’s nothing big, but here’s hoping that a night of things he loves will be gift enough. That, and me not forgetting. 🙂

This week included National Coffee Day, always cause for celebration for someone like me who doesn’t want to look too closely at exactly how much coffee I’m drinking every day. I enjoyed this article on “5 reasons it’s okay to drink coffee as a runner” because I’m all for anything supportive of my habit. Reasons #4 and 5 are my personal faves: Coffee is good, duh, and it makes everything more bearable (yes, I  may have a problem with coffee). I was also intrigued by the glycogen uptake bit. It’ll be chilly when I finish my last long run on Sunday, so it looks like it would be good for my glycogen stores and good for my soul to stop for a soy latte on the way home from the park.

Elixir of the gods

Lots of people are working to get some healthy habits this fall, before we head into the temptation fest that is the holiday season. Picking up to start again is part of this game – it definitely isn’t failure. What shouldn’t be part of this, but all too often is, is beating yourself for “straying” in the first place. This is hard work and life full of lots of hard work. It’s okay if every once in a while, other hard work takes priority. Just keep the healthy things you want to do someone on a back burner and come back to them as often as you need to. “Let’s stop pretending it’s ‘so easy’ to be healthy” is a great look at the lies we tell ourselves about how easy it is to get healthy.

A couple of weeks ago, the fabulous SwimBikeMom wrote a post entitled “The Monkey Bars” about the dangers of comparison and how careful we have to be about seeing ourselves negatively in relation to the other people on our chosen playgrounds in life. It’s a great read and definitely one I would recommend if you find yourself falling into comparison trip. Remember that as we set new goals and stretch outside our comfort zones, our peer group is going to change a bit. As a beginning Weight Watcher, I didn’t look like a lot of the other people who were farther along in the process. As a beginning runner, I didn’t look like most of the other runners. That’s okay because I was striving for a new thing. I run into this a lot professionally too. I could stay where I am and feel smart and successful and comfortable in doing just what I’ve always done, or I could try to take on new skills, knowing I’m going to feel stupid for a while. Change is scary and comes with feeling different for a while. That’s a good thing. “Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle / end.”

Last, but certainly not least, be sure to check out the lovely Meg’s awesome half marathon race report. I don’t want to tell you guys how many times I’ve read it, but trust me, it’ll make you smile. We all need smiles on Fridays.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Family photos & looking with kind eyes

We got our family photos back from the photographer yesterday and my mama heart thumped at all of the gorgeous and silly photos of my guy:

I also ADORE the photos of Darrell and Oliver together:

When I got to the photos that I was in myself, I’ll confess that I didn’t have such warm fuzzies. I saw way too many chins and too much belly and eye wrinkles. That is definitely NOT loving myself, so in the effort of practicing self love, I’m going to share these and look at them with kinder eyes. I’m going to see the love, the laughter and the gorgeous lighting.

I’ve come a long way in how I see myself but definitely have room for improvement. I need to work on getting those rose colored glasses on sooner. It’s funny – I generally HATE getting my photo taken. I actually put wedding photography on Darrell’s list in wedding planning because I hated even the idea of getting photos. In contrast, I always look forward to this photo session each year because I am so proud of my gorgeous family and because I love having this little snapshot of our lives (and of course, we love our photographer). When I see these photos of myself, I need to remember those things and view myself through that lens.

How do you feel about getting your photo taken? 

Friday Favorites: Full of positivity today!

I weirdly love the Friday of a four day week. You get the joy of Friday, but because it was a shorter week, you’re not nearly so run down and you’re pleasantly surprised that the weekend is already here again. 🙂 Of course, I have an outing to Children’s Theater in my future so maybe I shouldn’t be so excited about the weekend. I confess, I find it painful, but Oliver loves it.

Every day since this bulletin board has been put up at school, O tells me that he’s going to ask his teacher if he can make a “Jessica” flag for me – he’s fascinated that I have a name – so I can ride in the boat with him. 🙂

In light of my cheerful outlook on the world today (yay for lots of coffee making up for an otherwise chaotic morning!), let’s look at some happy things I’ve found online this week. First up, a couple of good causes:

• For the month of September, ASICS is partnering with Cookies for Kids Cancer to support the fight again pediatric cancer. To participate, they’re asking that people celebrate National Pediatric Cancer Awareness Day on Sunday September 13th, by being active in a way that many of these children unfortunately cannot be. Take a photo of yourself and your family playing outside (or inside) on Sunday and share it on social media with the hashtag #Run4Cookies. For every 100 uses of #Run4Cookies, ASICS will give a lucky winner a pair of children’s and adult’s shoes from the Accelerate Hope collection, benefiting Cookies for Kids Cancer. When you pledge, you are joining families in all 50 states that will Run 4 Cookies to celebrate the lives of children and create awareness around pediatric cancer. We will definitely be out playing on Sunday!
• Greg, over at Why I Run Disney, is raising money for AdoptionLink as part of his participation in the Chicago Marathon. There are so many children in need of homes and support, so definitely check out his page here for more information and to help out. As a bonus, be sure to follow to see his reports of the DisneyLand races this past weekend. 🙂

Next up is Serena Williams’ absolutely FANTASTIC response to body shamers last week. Check it out here. I just love the quote “I don’t have time to be brought down, I’ve got too many things to do. I have Grand Slams to win, I have people to inspire, and that’s what I’m here for.” I wish I had a tenth of her positive perspective!

As some food for thought for developing our own positive perspective, check out this article from SparkPeople on 11 ways to silence your inner critic. I found the tips interesting in themselves, but really appreciated the links for further reading at the end regarding actual exercises to improve your self-compassion (here), among others.

Last, but certainly not least, for a laugh to lead into your weekend, check out this round up of running memes. My favorites are #3 and 4 – I’ve literally looked around before to figure out who was running near me, only to realize it was my own legs clapping that I was hearing. 🙂

One more pic of my big boy: Walking Abby for the first time as we left PetSmart this week. He was so proud! Abby was uncertain about the whole arrangement. As much as she likes him, I don’t think she trusts him to be in charge.

Aside from the Children’s Theater, we also have family photos on the schedule this weekend. Here’s hoping O gets through his school day intact enough to be photo worthy tonight! What are your big plans for the weekend?

Friday Favorites: Lots of running thoughts!

At the halfway point in half marathon training, it makes sense that I’d have a lot of running articles tagged this week for further review. Of course, a lot of these things I’d tagged before I found myself sidelined by mental monkeys thanks to the rheumatology visit this week. I’ve suddenly found myself on my fourth morning in a row without a run and I need to get my mojo back to get back out there! I know running is the thing that makes me feel the best right now, so reading these things will hopefully get me back on track. After all, even if I don’t have a particular time goal, I do still have two half marathons to run this fall!

Brief pause for what is making me happy today: My secretary got me wrist supports for both of my offices and it already feels better to type this morning. 🙂

First up is this post from Hungry Runner Girl about the importance of easy runs. I’m finding this to be especially true with my current 6 day a week training plan. The only way I’ll keep up this level of running is if I keep the recovery runs EASY. No matter how good I may feel with the unexpectedly early cool fall-like weather we got in spurts this time of year, I shouldn’t push it on those days! My goal for today is to get out for three of these don’t-push-it-miles, just to get moving again.

Adrienne Martini’s posts over on Another Mother Runner are always a highlight of the week for me. A little while ago, she wrote about the stubbornness of runners and it really stuck with me. Why on earth would we get out in the misery of summer to run and run hard as we train for fall races? Are we a little nuts? Do we need to prove something to ourselves? Or are we just stubborn to consider NOT doing it? I think it’s probably a mix of all three and that’s perfectly okay with me. What’s particularly funny to me is how it has rubbed off on my husband too, even though he’s not a runner. This morning I told him I was debating whether or not we should even go to the Des Moines half marathon since I wasn’t going to be looking for a PR like I’d originally wanted for that course this year and he looked at me like I was insane. “Why wouldn’t we go? Of course you’ll still run it.” Love that man. 🙂

Active.com posted a slideshow this week of 10 things runners should never do. I’m always curious about those, because I’m usually guilty of at least one thing on the list for these things. This week, I’m particularly appreciative of the advice about not following a training plan that is uncompromising and getting enough rest. This summer has definitely driven those home for me! Today I’m trying to look at the last three days as a much needed rest break, just because it has been an overwhelming week, rather than a complete derailment of my training plan. Speaking rest, also check out this post on the importance of sleep for runners and tips for how to get more zzz’s in your life.

In follow up to the post I mentioned last week about body shaming from the lovely Carla Birnberg, here’s a guest post she shared from one of her readers about the skinny shaming side of the spectrum. A) I LOVE that she gave a voice to other side of this so nicely and that this reflects the strength on the online community in having these discussions and B) Really, let’s all just not talk about people’s bodies. 🙂 Unless we’re talking about Thor. Because, really, Thor.

This weekend, I have the Peak 2 Peak 10 mile run (so I’ll finally get some miles in this week!) and no other big plans other than marveling at the fact that we’re already at the end of August! Naturally, next week will be back up to the 90s, just in time for my 11 mile training run (grumble grumble).

Poll the audience question of the day: Since I missed this week’s tempo and speed work runs, should I do those next week or just move forward to the next runs on the schedule? I have the same tempo run planned this week as next – 2 miles, so that’s not an issue. The question is do I go forward with 3 X 1 mile (at “strength” pace, so not quite as fast as the speedwork) or do speedwork? I’m leaning toward the 3 X 1 mile and just see how it goes, but confess that could be because speedwork is scarier 🙂

Have a great weekend everyone! Stay safe if you’re in Tropical Storm Erika’s path!